i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You've changed since you got that strap on
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
