Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
