What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
