If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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