Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
