btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
it was like eating out sand paper
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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