just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
