Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Rumble strips road head = magical
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
