I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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