party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
