Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
