I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
