Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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