I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
