oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
