We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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