I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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