brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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