Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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