My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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