Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
