She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
