i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I can text with my tongue
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
