This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
