I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Still dying that you shit outside
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
