I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
