last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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