Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i've created a new STD.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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