i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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