right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
