life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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