I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
