I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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