Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
