Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
