Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
