My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
