I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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