Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
