i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
