Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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