i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
