I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
