We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
