Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just had sex on a roof
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
