Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
