with your own penis?
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
