My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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