the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
