this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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